


It Feels Like Now

by GwenTheTribble



Series: I Won't Teach You to be a Man (You're Just Going to Have to be Strong Instead) [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Character Study, Cisswap, Everyone Has Issues, Female Tony Stark, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, poet!bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 01:33:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4081435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GwenTheTribble/pseuds/GwenTheTribble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They asked me what it felt like to love you, i said it felt like now.   </p><p>The Avengers are a repeated sadness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Feels Like Now

                Captain America was cemented into legend the day he put the plane in the water and saved New York.   This had to be the least heroic thing that Steve Rogers had ever done.   When he is unfrozen and given time to think, he will pray.  Pray like he never could when he was sick, for hours, kneeling, his mother’s historical artifact rosary in his hands. 

                He and Peggy kissed like they loved, not soon enough and him about to leave. 

                Bucky’s scream echoes in Steve’s ears for sixty-seven years. 

                Things repeat.

               

Once, when he was still one hundred pounds soaking wet, he convinced Bucky to take one art class at the college with him.  Bucky’s talent had always been words, poetry that lilted and spoke of being written by someone with work roughened hands, but he could sketch alright.

                Christmas was in a few weeks.   Steve’s face had a blooming bruise, a parting gift from a guy who spoke disrespectfully to one of the gentler dames in Steve’s building.  Bucky was vibrant and young, a boy really, ready to follow his friend into a back alley battle because Bucky is a loyalty that most people have never met.   Steve might have told Bucky to run, but Bucky would rather have stood and burned with him. 

                There was a war in Europe that made Steve half crazy.  He was the kind of guy who slammed to his feet when he saw a bully across the crowded bar.

                Jacob Wolf ran into the room and told the teacher to turn on the radio, the Japanese had just bombed Pearl Harbor, everyone quiet!  They had listened raptly to the radio before someone got up the courage to ask if Hawaii was even a state. 

                The next day they are told what they had already guessed at.  Bucky watched Steve’s jaw clench and could only hope that this war would be short, because Stevie wouldn’t let himself not do the right thing.  It never even occurred to him. 

                Bucky, twenty-three and heartbreakingly grown up, agreed to train with his best pal.  It’s not Bucky who needs it and they both know it, and Steve staunchly refuses to acknowledge the way he wheezes like he’s breathing air that’s half water. 

               

                 He and Peggy kissed like they loved, barely beginning before they had to stop. 

 

                He and Peggy kissed once.  One day, in a world made of metal and his first kisses goddaughter saving the world at his side, he will know that his tragedies are not unique. 

               

                Peggy was his first kiss, would have been his first dance, if Bucky had lived he would have been the best man at their wedding.   Steve loved her, truly, excitedly.   But Bucky was the untouchable boy who slept in Steve’s bed to keep him warm, and nothing could ever compare to his smile.  No drawing of him ever came out right. 

 

                Howard Stark is the every man’s madman.  He can chat with the common foot soldiers, get the greenies to laugh.  He can tell the highest general that that might work but the tech wasn’t in it, and couldn’t be in it.  Howard conducts all of Steve’s endurance training and they are friends. 

                No one but Peggy will be there to understand when Howard says that he loved Steve like she loved Steve. 

               

                He and Peggy kissed like he lived, deeply and truly, fleetingly.   

                He and Bucky desired like the exact opposite of the way they lived. 

 

                Howard Stark once flew into enemy territory on a mission sure to jeopardize his entire career to aide Captain Rogers in something hopeless.  All three people on that plane were in love. 

                On a table, in a base, a boy with a poet’s heart and soldier’s hands repeated his name and number. 

 

                Howard Stark once flew into enemy territory on a mission that he could very well not come back from to give a good man a chance to save a good man.  

                Two years and a lifetime later Steve will see his daughter fly a nuke into space to give the world a fighting chance.

 

                Steve got one kiss with his best girl before he did something that might kill him.  Three years and a new world later he will meet a man once worshipped as a god who kissed a girl he might have loved before he went to fight his little brother. 

               

                Bucky’s scream echoes in Steve’s ears for sixty-seven years. 

 

                Bucky falls, and comes back different.

 

Thor’s little brother falls, and comes back different. 

 

                Pepper falls, and comes back different. 

               

                The heroes always have their hands outstretched. 

 

                Things repeat until they things repeat. 

 

                Clint Barton is taken and played with, turned into something he’s not with all the skills he used to have.  Bucky was a sharp shooter and loyal to his core.  Natasha chases after Clint to get him back.  Steve chases after Bucky to get him back. 

                Steve’s current best friends are his team, a scary red head, and a black guy who flies.  Audey’s current best friends are her team, a scary red head, and a black guy who flies.

                Thor’s right hand was a beautiful brunette who was told she could not be a warrior.  Steve hears this and thinks about how Peggy would laugh over how nothing is ever different.

                Things repeat.

 

                Bruce Banner got over confident once and paid for it by never being sure about himself again.  This is not Steve, but what he used was. 

                Steve was chosen for his self-sacrifice and respect of strength.

                Natasha was selected for her lethalness. 

               Bruce wasn’t chosen at all.

 

              He and Peggy kissed like they loved, not soon enough and him about to leave. 

             Bucky’s scream echoes in Steve’s ears for sixty-seven years. 

            Things repeat.

**Author's Note:**

> So heres the thing. I'm pretty sure that the 'they asked me what it felt like to love you i said it feels like now' thing was a tumblr poem. Can not remember where i saw it. It was either on a cherik edit or ohsebs.tumblr.com. If anyone can tell me where it came from i'd really be grateful.


End file.
